Your feelings are valid: About emotional invalidation of feelings, how you can free yourself from this position and gain strength

Have friends, family members, or your partner ever belittled or invalidated your feelings?

When the legitimacy of your feelings is denied, or your feelings are ignored or rejected, it is a very painful experience.

It's important for us humans to have a sense of belonging and to be part of a group—a family or community. And part of belonging to a group is being known, understood, and accepted. But while it's normal to want to be understood, we can't rely on others to validate who we are, what we believe, and how we feel. When we do, we give up parts of ourselves in order to fit in and let others determine our self-worth.

Your feelings are always valid and justified

Your feelings are important. Emotions serve an important purpose and shouldn't be ignored. For example, if you feel angry, anxious, or sad, it tells you that something is wrong. This important information shouldn't be ignored, as it can help you take care of yourself and make decisions to protect yourself.

Feelings aren't right or wrong. They reflect your thoughts, experiences, and perceptions, which is why two people can have the same experience but feel differently about it.

It's also important to know that validation—that is, saying someone's feelings are acceptable or worthwhile—is not the same as agreeing with their feelings. We may certainly feel differently, but we should strive to understand and empathize with our loved ones' feelings.

How to tell if your counterpart is devaluing your feelings

Emotional invalidation isn't always malicious; sometimes it happens accidentally by someone who means well. A common form of invalidation is when someone tries to cheer you up when you're sad. This can be debilitating because your feelings are dismissed. Instead of accepting or understanding your feelings and listening to you, someone tries to change your feelings.

In other cases, emotional invalidation is a form of manipulation and an attempt to make you question your feelings and experiences. A pattern of invalidation is a form of gaslighting . It is a denial of who you are or your experiences. It implies that you are wrong, overreacting, or lying. In toxic relationships, partners often do this to turn things around, blaming the other partner and denying or minimizing their own words or actions.

Emotional invalidation might sound something like this:

I'm sure it wasn't that bad.

You're totally sensitive.

You took it too personally.

You'll get over it.

I know exactly how you feel.

I've been in a similar situation and got through it.

Just let it be.

It could be worse.

You shouldn't be angry.

Don't be sad.

You make a big deal out of everything.

That didn't happen.

Stop making things up.

You're overreacting.

You misunderstood that.

Emotional invalidation can also be nonverbal: rolling the eyes, ignoring, playing on the cell phone or another distraction, or simply leaving the room/place.

How to deal with emotional invalidation and free yourself from this situation

When your feelings are downplayed or denied, it's natural to feel hurt and may even want to defend yourself.

Before you react to the devaluation of your counterpart, take a moment to reflect and ask yourself a few questions to clarify how you deal with this situation:

Are you close to this person?

Is their opinion important?

Has this person been interested in understanding your feelings in the past?

Is it a good use of your time and energy to help her understand your feelings?

Does this person have a habit of invalidating your feelings?

How has she reacted in the past when you pointed this out to her?

Sometimes it's not worth trying to get a stranger, an acquaintance, or even a friend to understand your feelings. In general, the closer the relationship you have with someone, the more important it is that they understand your feelings. However, you need to be realistic about other people's abilities to do this. If this person repeatedly invalidates your feelings and isn't interested or motivated to change, you need to take steps to distance yourself and deal with your own feelings. You can calmly and non-accusingly say that you feel misunderstood and not taken seriously. This acknowledges that you've been hurt and gives the other person a chance to make it right.

The key here is not to get into an argument about who is right or wrong, but to set a boundary about how you want to be treated and to leave the situation if your needs and feelings are not respected.

It's even more painful when a family member, partner, or friend invalidates your feelings and hurts you. If they're open and receptive to learning how to be more empathetic, you can show them this short video by Brené Brown about empathy. Feel free to watch this video, too, as it will help you feel empowered in your situation. Furthermore, each of us can always learn something new about empathy to ensure we treat others with love and sensitivity.

Always remember, your feelings and thoughts always have a place in this world and should always be heard and accepted.

"You have a right to your thoughts and feelings. Your feelings are always valid." - Iyanla Vanzant